#funny how I can fuck it all up on a whim
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oof. I just relapsed pretty badly
#and after I was doing okay for a good while#funny how I can fuck it all up on a whim#it literally was just ‘hm I feel shitty restless and irritable. I should do the thing’#and then talking to myself in my head like ‘then fucking do it. you won’t. you can’t anymore you’re weak now.’#and in turn thinking like ‘I will. I can.’ ‘then fucking do it’ and visualizing the steps I’d take to go do it and getting closer and closer#until I decided ‘I’m going to.’ and went and did it#and the shitty part is I felt relief#it felt like seeing an old friend#god I’m so useless and shitty#I’m never gonna be anything and I’m really not sure why I’m still alive#I’m the most pathetic unnecessary sad adult#so many people would look down upon me I don’t blame them#no job no aspirations no college nothing#so many people would look at me and think what are you doing with your life get a job you’re a useless weirdo go live in your moms basement#to them I say#don’t worry#I can’t imagine myself living past 30 so it’s okay#I won’t be taking up space and air and food that other more important people could use for too much longer#I’ll die a sad death all alone and unfulfilled#probably get heart disease due to my friedrichs ataxia#so don’t worry#I’ll be gone soon enough
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